Should I?

Over the years I have toyed with locating my birth mother.  In thinking about locating her I didn’t even consider who else I might find while conducting the search; until yesterday that is.  I had filled out an online search evaluation with Search Quest America, the agency featured on the show “Troy the Locator” and was contacted by one of the investigators that specializes in adoptions that took place in Texas.  In talking with her, the scope of my search possibilities exploded and intimidated me a little bit.

The information I would be provided if I decided to persue a search would include not only everything about my birth mother  but also any siblings I might have, I do know of one, aunts, uncles, grandparents etc.  I feel this should have been obvious to me from the get go but it wasn’t.  The realization that I could potentially meet so many people related to me is both exciting and daunting; not sure if I want to open that can; I’m not scared, just hesitant. 

This agency locates the person you’re searching for, then provides the information they find to you then you decide how to proceed.  The decision regarding contact would be left up to me.  A second family would be  a lot of information to take in, so I’m wondering, should I commence the search?

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11 thoughts on “Should I?

  1. Dear Killianville,
    I understand your hesitancy. I am just beginning my search for my birthfather. That is daunting enough. I do know I have siblings, just not what to expect. I trust things will work out for you. And for me.

  2. I am not sure you will read this, but I have started the journey. It feels like I am getting ready to jump out of a plane and my heart is about to jump out of my chest. The only sure thing is that I have chosen to risk my “safety” for an experience I will not forget. Will it turn out for the better? I am not guarenteed, just like there is no guarentee that the chute will open and function properly. I do believe that taking this risk will teach me more about myself than wondering what it would be like to jump while standing on solid ground.

    • Glad to hear you’ve begun your search, it is daunting. Most recently I was contacted by Search Quest America in response to a query I made to them. This organization was featured in a show called “Troy the Locator”. They take your information, and if they find the person you are searching for they provide you their information and you decide if you want to go forward or not. I hadn’t realized the scope that finding my birth parents would cover. When the representative told me I would find out ALL of their information, siblings, aunts, uncles, grandparents, arrest record (if any), and a whole host of other stuff I was intimidated. At the moment I’m mulling over if I want to proceed. I’m a little put off by the cost of the search. Anyway, if you’d like to check them out their website is searchquestamerica.com.

  3. This is the same organization I am using. They found my father within the two week waiting period (They take two weeks to create your file and such). I have recently sent a letter with photographs of myself and my father, and they sent a letter with it which encouraged me. It has been twenty eight years since I found out I had a different father than my siblings. so for me to contact him individually has been very overwhelming. So far, I have been happy with the was Search Quest is handling things. They seem to be sensitive and thoughtful in their approach. Let me know if you decide to take the next step. I feel a bit alone in this since it is not easy for most people to understand the need or even desire to know about your biological parents and family.

  4. Sorry for the delay in my response. I agree Search Quest is very sensitive and thoughtful. I was wondering how things are going in your search. I was really overwhelmed with discovering hte depth of information I’d find out beyond just locating my birth parents. I had not realized before what that actually meant. I hope you’re receiving support from your siblings even if they cannot fully connect with what you’re feeling; it’s a difficult thing to explain. I can’t remember not knowing that I was adopted so I’ve had a sense of wonder for at least 40 years. At this point I cannot afford a search, at least that’s how I’m rationalizing it, hopefully within a year I can move forward with it. I’d be interested to know how you’re progressing. Be Well.

  5. I have tried to respond to you at least a couple of times. Each time something happens and my posting is lost. Hopefully this time it will work. I have not heard anything from my father, however, I now have his address and phone number. Search Quest found him within a few weeks. They sent a letter by snail mail with a letter from me included. We have not heard anything yet. It is a bit frustrating. I did talk to my mom about finding him, and she said it might take him time to respond.
    As far as my siblings supporting my decision, I have one sister who has been very supportive, however, she does not understand what is is like. My story is different from you in that I found out about my father when I was 21 years old. My mom waited until then to inform me that I hada different father than my siblings. My mom had an extra marital relationship and I was born from that. She made the decision to stay with her husband at the time, and my father was not kept in the picture. I can say I knew most of my life that there was something going on, but not until she told me did I understand the feeling I had. I don’t know how that will effect my ability to reconnect with him, but I am still hopeful. I have not heard anything else about other family members yet.

  6. Hello, congratulations on taking the first step. Given the situation you described I think it will be a while before your birth father to respond. I wonder what my birth family would think if I contacted them; I feel it would be a lot of “wonder what he wants from us?” That’s a daunting question.
    As for your sibling, it’s great she’s being supportive which indicates she realizes it’s important for to you; I don’t think she’ll ever know what it’s like. It’s hard to articulate the feeling of being different from your parents. It’s not a good or bad thing, it’s just an awareness. You know your parents and family love you but thre’s a level of connection that you may not feel that your siblings do. As for me, once I save up enough money I’ll likely take that frist step.

    Hope this note finds you well.

  7. Wow, I didn’t realize it had been almost a year since I sent you a note.
    I hope things are working out as you would hope them to.
    Things took an interesting turn last year about this time. I decided to take the information I had and go on a quest to “see” my father. In every dream I had up to that point, I was watching from a distance and saw him come and go from where he lived. So, I went to the address I had been given. I went alone, flying to a city within an hours drive from him, renting a car, and driving to his address. It was surreal seeing his house and there did not seem to be anyone home. I sat down the street from the house and watched people walk around the neighborhood. There was no talking myself into walking up to the door and knocking. It was enough to sit and look. After about three hours, and having worked all night, I decided to get a hotel room to rest for a while. I woke up early in the morning, and drove again to his house. This time there was a van in the driveway. I almost drove away. I could not believe he was there, so close. It took a while to calm down, and then I tried calling the cellphone number I had. There was no way to even leave a message. I was thinking I would call and leave a message that I was there, and maybe he would be willing to come out and meet me. Discouraged that I had no way of contacting him, I drove back to the airport and flew home.
    I was telling my sister about the whole event sometime later. She asked me if I had gone to the door. I told her there was no way I felt it would have been possible to talk myself into it.
    In January, my sister called again saying she would be traveling to Florida in April and was willing to drive to my dad’s with me. I said ok, not really knowing if she would. In April, she called again. This time she had set it up so she had the whole day to drive me there and would walk with me to the door if I wanted her to. After much trepidation, i said ok.
    I flew again to Florida (I work for an airline, so it did not cost anything but time and energy), met her at the airport, and we drove to his town. We had catching up to do, so I did not even realize how close we were getting. We stopped at a Food City for a bathroom break, and I realized we were two or three minutes from his house. It is hard to put inot words what feelings went through me at that time.
    In the store, I found a potted flower that I could not keep my eyes off. It was an orchid of some type that I had never seen. The color was a stunning pinkish rose. I felt the need to buy it, even though I have been known to kill plants. The word ‘stunning’ coming out of my mouth was curious, since I don’t use it in my regular daily language.
    We drove to the house, and having my sister was an encouragment, making it possible for me to get out of the truck and walk to the front door. There was no van in the driveway, but there was a light on inside.
    My sister knocked, and there was no response. Just as we were ready to give up, the door opened and a woman met us; my father’s wife.
    She invited us in and after an hour, we left with the notion that we would be called and let know if he was willing to meet me. Not an hour later, the call came to meet him at his home at six o’clock. We did and the next five hours were surreal. He came to the door, took my hand and hugged me. I recognized myself in his eyebrows, and my sons look very much like him. There was nothing said in the time we were ther about my not being his. His wife commented, even before we had met, that I looked like his other children. We talked, took a walk alone, and ate dinner together. It was like a part of my life was returned. I didn’t want to leave.
    Less you take this as a perfect outcome, I have left several e-mails and a voice message at the address I ws given and on his home phone. I have gotten no responses, and the Father’s day e-card was left unopened. I can’t tell you why, and it is hard to stomach, but not as hard as not knowing him at all.

    • Hi! What a great story, thank you. While it seems that your father may not be interested in further contact I sense that a lot of questions have been answered for you, that must be a wonderful feeling. My search is ongoing. Long story short, keeping it short because I don’t want to rant, I wasted several hundred dollars on a search service to find out I could’ve filed a request to have my adoption records opened on my own. Since I was adopted in TX and I don’t live there I’d have to either fly there or have a court appointed intermediary to the legwork for me; I chose the latter but she charges over $500.00; still cheaper than a plane flight and hotel room. At this point I’m saving money to get the ball rolling, should be ready next month. Wish me luck!

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