Editor’s Note: For those who might be new to this blog, and/or just forgot, “Steve” refers to a stroke that occurred to me. Also, this post will be peppered with photos I took while touring Borough Market, London, since the post discusses about markets 🙂
One of the most terrifying experiences of my life occurred post-Steve; going to the grocery store. Pre-Steve I had breezed through the grocery store any number of times so navigating the aisles was effortless. Post-Steve, the grocery store was both familiar and totally I alien. I even needed assistance to locate the grocery, and when I found it I immediately wanted to leave.
The best visual I can provide comes from a Robin Williams movie, Moscow on the Hudson. In the movie he plays a Russian musician who is defecting; as opposed to defecating. (Sorry, couldn’t resist.) In one scene he is shopping for coffee and becomes overwhelmed with all the choices in coffee aisle and passes out. That’s how I felt, overwhelmed and overstimulated. It was like I was looking through a giant fishbowl. I knew what this place was for but had no idea how to interact with it or with the people in it. I felt like I was in a dream that was rapidly changing into a nightmare. In this dream state I was amorphously moving around expecting to become another patron, or worker present in the store as one’s identity often shifts during dreams, and play several, or all, roles and interact with them.
Thinking about it, I have had an experience like this before, but it wasn’t nearly as terrifying as going to the grocery store post Steve, but I was under the “influence” at the moment.
Sometime ago in my early 20s, or maybe late teens, and good friends and I decided to go to the movies. On the way to the movies we consumed a mind altering substance intending to increase our enjoyment of the movie. I emerged from of the movie giggling myself under my breath, and was suddenly aware that everyone was looking at me; everyone. Wanting to make a quick exit I briskly sauntered through the lobby. I say briskly sauntered because I was walking quickly but trying to be cool about it so as to not attract the attention of everyone they were staring at me.
The second I got in outside the gaze of the movie goers was broken. Suddenly I became aware of the shape of the earth as well as my position on it. I felt I was living inside a gargantuan snow globe, sans snow, and that I could even feel the curvature of the earth. This sensation, or awareness, was not terrifying at all, but it was kind of how I felt in the grocery store post-Steve, sort of present yet disconnected.
So there I was in the grocery store, trying to disguise my terror. In tried running through my mental checklist and picture my mental map of the store.
“Ok, bagels are over there, milk over there, yogurt there, chicken passed the produce… now, how do I get over there, and what am I supposed to do once I get there…*gasp* will be able to get back?!” All of these thoughts were occurring simultaneously while looking ahead also causing my brain to muddle a bit. Juggling multiple thoughts and tasks were second automatic pre-Steve, but were problematic, that’s an understatement, post-Steve. Fortunately, on this foray to the store I was accompanied by a good friend, someone I was comfortable with saying, with a glazed look, “I gotta get out here,” and they escorted out.
A year post-Steve, I am happy to report that the grocery store is no longer alien terrain and I have become keenly aware of all that we take for granted. Today, when I trek to the store, or anywhere frankly, I wonder who might need assistance, or be hesitant to ask for help, and even unaware what assistance they need.
I had forgotten to share a photo of my post-Steve keyboard in the previous post, so here it is. Incidentally, forgetting stuff was not a result of Steve, I’ve always forgotten stuff!
Killianville 